We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
