My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
