Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
