I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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