I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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