dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
