mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
