I don't usually arrange sex via text message
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
