I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
