I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
