This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
