she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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