We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
