I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
