is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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