nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
