Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
