My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
