Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
