He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
