I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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