you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
