Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize