I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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