Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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