so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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