We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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