i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.