He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...