i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
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He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
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Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.