Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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