So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
