I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
