Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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