You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
sex in a hospital.. check
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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