Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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