This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
