I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
