Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
