I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
