the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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