You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
