I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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