I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
