She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
