So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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