Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
