Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
