ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
