Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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