was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
