I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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