Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I would ride that face into the sunset
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
