Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
