Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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